moonvertising

Didn't take her to the moon, but it worked

March 9, 2008
PAIGE WISER pwiser@suntimes.com
From : www.suntimes.com

The billboard on 90 reads, in big red letters, "Moonvertising is coming!"

"Fabulous," I thought. "I wonder if the Sun-Times has the budget to project my face up there, and, if so, will the craters look like acne?"

It makes sense that we would advertise on the moon. Everything else has been done. There's been skywriting and airplane banners, the Goodyear blimp, ads on hot-air balloons, and astronauts go into space with so many patches on them they look like NASCAR drivers. Promoting a mattress sale on the moon is the logical next step.

There'd be cheaper advertising rates when clouds are expected, of course. And I assume they'd slash prices for ads on a crescent moon, which you'd have to read sideways.

I started Googling, trying to figure out how much it would cost me to put "Happy 4th Birthday, Monkey Boy!" on the moon, when I discovered something horrifying.

There is no such thing as Moonvertising.

Even worse -- it's all just a publicity stunt.

It made me angry. Full-moon angry. The "Moonvertising" Web site is actually a front for a popular brand-name beer that I refuse to name because I am still angry, even though chugging one or two of the (unnamed) beverage would probably calm me down.

Paige Wiser

You can write a pretend message on the moon at the Web site, maybe something existential, or a friendly greeting to whatever intelligent life forms might be out there.

Wendy from Griffith, Ind., went with "Richie is my everything."

Al from Elgin found a nice spot on the crater Cleomedes to opine, "Woohoo!"

So maybe it's a good thing the moon won't be accepting personals anytime soon.

But don't think they haven't tried. In 1999, a marketing executive at Coca-Cola named Steve Koonin had a great idea. He figured that if they would fire colored laser beams into space, Coke could project its logo onto the moon in time for the turn of the millennium.

One problem: The Federal Aviation Administration said no. "They weren't particularly enthused about the prospect of our cutting flying airplanes in half, but it would have worked,'' Koonin told Media Week last year. ''We had a scientist work out all the math.''

Now, with advertising agencies unable to think of anything bigger, they're thinking smaller. Sneakier. One hair salon advertised with photos of different hairstyles on escalator steps. And Virgin Airlines caused double-takes by placing red suitcases -- with its logo prominently featured -- at the foot of city statues.

The trend for putting baby naming rights up for auction seems to have tapered off a bit; one couple, who were hoping to attract some big players like Microsoft or even Trump, held out for $500,000.

No bidders. They ended up naming the baby Zane.

Still, I'm all for creativity. In fact, I think the time for product placement in newspapers has come. Why not? Of course, like with movie nudity, it would have to be tastefully done, and organic to the storyline.

I think we can all agree that this column, at least, would go down a lot smoother with an ice-cold [call now for regional advertising rates].